The husband and I have always discussed having one more, one of my own, two of his. I love my stepson dearly-but I also feel that I missed out on the first nine years of his life, some of the more formative and experiential ones. And the mother in me cried out, "Why can't I experience that?!"
After spending quite a bit of time with our 13 year old this summer I realized a few things. He was still my stepson-but he also wasn't that sweet little nine year old boy that I had met (he's still sweet-he just has his moments). I also began to wonder if I wanted another little one around after being in the (albeit few) melodramatic moments of a 13 year old's life.
Two months ago the husband and I found out that we were going to experience it all over again, with our little one arriving in May. There have been moments of excitement, and others of sheer shock and disbelief, and sometimes... fear. That's right, the four letter f-word. Bringing a child into the world is an exciting, and sometimes scary thing. (And if one more woman asks me if I'm excited I'm going to say No just to see the look on her face. Isn't that question answered always by the obligatory Yes?)
So, after the husband and I got used to the idea, we had to make the phone call to my stepson. The husband wanted to wait until we saw him at Thanksgiving, but since I started showing early-that wasn't necessarily an option. My stepson needed to know before seeing the belly.
It was never a question in our minds as to who should break the news to my stepson. Yet here are a few reasons why it should be by the biological parent and NOT the step parent.
1.) Hearing about a new sibling from the biological parent lets the child know that the parent still values what they think and feel.
2.) I would actually advise step parents to be out of the room for this one so as not to apply any added pressure to the child on having to act excited for a new sibling.
3.) Let's face it, the first thing to run through their minds is: "What happens to my room, my stuff, my time with the folks?"
4.) These reassurances SHOULD be made by the biological parent so that the child doesn't feel as though they are being replaced just because they are only around part of the time.
5.) When the child is ready and comfortable with the news, then and only then should they have contact with the step parent. The point here is to not force the issue.
6.) The step parent should then reassure the child that even with the new sibling on the way, the step child will still be an important aspect of their lives. There is the impression out there that your own kids are more important to you than your step children.
7.) Under no circumstances should any child feel less important than another in the household. This only creates familial trouble. (Does this mean they have to share? Yes.) Does this mean that you may need a good counselor? Yes.
(How did you get by without one before with the separation of the biological parents and combining of families?)
8.) Make sure the child has a third party to talk to at any point. My stepson knows his counselor's phone number and makes the call on his own when he needs to speak with her. (Did it take us a few tries to find the right counselor? Yes.)
So, how did my stepson take the news? His first response was a good-natured, "Aw, crap." But after it sunk in for awhile he started asking about when the baby was due and looked up the weekly comparison to a piece of fruit or vegetable, "the Bean is as big as a peach this week," and when we saw him at Thanksgiving--he couldn't stop rubbing the belly.
Sometimes 13 year old boys are just as sweet as when they were nine.
Mama Bear's Instincts
Friday, December 17, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Maintaining Consistent Contact
There are going to be periods of time for most of us when the stepchild is with the other set of parents. And if this period of time is an extensive amount of time there is no reason why we shouldn't maintain consistent contact while they are away.
Our son chose to stay in Maine with his birth mother this school year after he had been here this summer. During the summer months he had told his counselor that he wanted to move back to Montana, we had made the appropriate motions with the court and our lawyer, and $2,000 later, he changed his mind.
His father and I were deeply hurt, we had looked forward to having more time with him than a week at Christmas, Spring Break, and summers. He had been accepted at a prestigious private middle school here in town to make up for the year that he had spent in Maine. (What they were teaching him in the seventh grade were things he had learned in the fifth grade here in Montana.)
Ultimately, his social life and comfort in already being established in his school won out.
The point of all this is, even though we are 2,500 miles away, there is no reason to not have regular contact with the kiddo. We mainly use the phone, since he hasn't demonstrated responsibility with his tech devices that allow him to access the internet at all hours of the night. But we could if we wanted to, there's access to Skype, (it's free, you should check it out), email, and all those social networking sites. Although our son's accounts have been disabled on those for the time being, they could work for you too.
Our consistent contact? A phone call every Sunday evening.
Our son chose to stay in Maine with his birth mother this school year after he had been here this summer. During the summer months he had told his counselor that he wanted to move back to Montana, we had made the appropriate motions with the court and our lawyer, and $2,000 later, he changed his mind.
His father and I were deeply hurt, we had looked forward to having more time with him than a week at Christmas, Spring Break, and summers. He had been accepted at a prestigious private middle school here in town to make up for the year that he had spent in Maine. (What they were teaching him in the seventh grade were things he had learned in the fifth grade here in Montana.)
Ultimately, his social life and comfort in already being established in his school won out.
The point of all this is, even though we are 2,500 miles away, there is no reason to not have regular contact with the kiddo. We mainly use the phone, since he hasn't demonstrated responsibility with his tech devices that allow him to access the internet at all hours of the night. But we could if we wanted to, there's access to Skype, (it's free, you should check it out), email, and all those social networking sites. Although our son's accounts have been disabled on those for the time being, they could work for you too.
Our consistent contact? A phone call every Sunday evening.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Counselor: an Unbiased Third Party Approach
I found it a bit unusual that counseling sessions were so normal in my husband's family when I first met him. That may be because I came from a family where you weren't supposed to express your feelings because that made you weak.
I really do appreciate counseling appointments now.
The family is able to air out emotions or about events that have been troubling them and can find a solution with the unbiased third party in the room. The counselor often knows the right questions to ask and has seen these situations before, and can provide solutions from experience of knowing what has worked for other blended families.
This has been huge for us in negotiating chores and respect. (I also recently learned from a family that hasn't been blended that counseling really helped their relationships between father and mother and two teenage sons). So ladies, even those "normal" families ask for counseling help too.
The other area counseling has been a large part of is negotiating with the birth mother where the boy wants to reside during the school year. This has been a point of contention since she followed the latest flame to his home state 2,500 miles away. Now that our son has had experience with his counselor and trusts her, she can vouch for his desires that he may not want to speak to either us nor his mother and her partner about for fear of hurting our feelings. The counselor being in place also means that the boy may not have to speak with the judge himself since he finds the idea of being in court frightening.
All along the way, however, counseling has provided a safe place for him to voice his thoughts, concerns, and emotions about issues that would be difficult for him to bring up otherwise.
I really do appreciate counseling appointments now.
The family is able to air out emotions or about events that have been troubling them and can find a solution with the unbiased third party in the room. The counselor often knows the right questions to ask and has seen these situations before, and can provide solutions from experience of knowing what has worked for other blended families.
This has been huge for us in negotiating chores and respect. (I also recently learned from a family that hasn't been blended that counseling really helped their relationships between father and mother and two teenage sons). So ladies, even those "normal" families ask for counseling help too.
The other area counseling has been a large part of is negotiating with the birth mother where the boy wants to reside during the school year. This has been a point of contention since she followed the latest flame to his home state 2,500 miles away. Now that our son has had experience with his counselor and trusts her, she can vouch for his desires that he may not want to speak to either us nor his mother and her partner about for fear of hurting our feelings. The counselor being in place also means that the boy may not have to speak with the judge himself since he finds the idea of being in court frightening.
All along the way, however, counseling has provided a safe place for him to voice his thoughts, concerns, and emotions about issues that would be difficult for him to bring up otherwise.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Keep Something for Yourselves
We love the fact that the men we've married (or at least are involved with) are great daddies. We praise them, adore them for it, and admit it, it probably even makes your uterus tingle too.
But sometimes, there just needs to be some special couple time at a special event, place, or date. I'm not dogging the parenting instinct to show kids everything the parent knows or does--we all would like our children to become well rounded people and remember fun experiences with the folks.
But there is the relationship of the couple to be considered. And the couple in that relationship should be considerate of each other with their time and affection. It is far too easy to put the children first and forget the other half of the parenting team. It's okay to take a night off from the kids to go on a date, or to keep that one memorable place you spent with your significant other, a place just for you and your significant other. (Even if it might have a great pool that the kids would enjoy).
I was once pleasantly informed by my stepson that he would be traveling with his father and I on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. Really? Even though we haven't taken it yet, (maybe after our 3rd wedding anniversary) it will still be our honeymoon, party of two.
The point is, Stepmoms, (or Stepdads), you may love those kids with all your heart, but don't forget how you became a stepparent to them; and gently remind your significant others about your half of the parenting team needing some time alone. It's not selfish, and more often than not it does the couple good to spend some time just focusing on each other.
But sometimes, there just needs to be some special couple time at a special event, place, or date. I'm not dogging the parenting instinct to show kids everything the parent knows or does--we all would like our children to become well rounded people and remember fun experiences with the folks.
But there is the relationship of the couple to be considered. And the couple in that relationship should be considerate of each other with their time and affection. It is far too easy to put the children first and forget the other half of the parenting team. It's okay to take a night off from the kids to go on a date, or to keep that one memorable place you spent with your significant other, a place just for you and your significant other. (Even if it might have a great pool that the kids would enjoy).
I was once pleasantly informed by my stepson that he would be traveling with his father and I on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. Really? Even though we haven't taken it yet, (maybe after our 3rd wedding anniversary) it will still be our honeymoon, party of two.
The point is, Stepmoms, (or Stepdads), you may love those kids with all your heart, but don't forget how you became a stepparent to them; and gently remind your significant others about your half of the parenting team needing some time alone. It's not selfish, and more often than not it does the couple good to spend some time just focusing on each other.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Chores and Regressions
Most children have them, so why don't some stepkids? Some parents feel that because their child only spends part of the time at their house, that the children should have all the fun possible while they are there.
Not that I'm against fun.
But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).
Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.
Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.
My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).
All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!
I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).
My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.
I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.
Not that I'm against fun.
But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).
Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.
Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.
My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).
All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!
I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).
My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.
I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I Walk Away
I used to handle all the communication between the birth mother and my husband. He didn't want to talk to her, she didn't want to talk to him, and the mediator (me) received the brunt of the attack from both sides.
I don't mediate anymore, I don't talk to the birth mother on the phone unless she or I answer it, and any email communication between my husband and her gets the final okay from our lawyer. Granted, the lawyer is more expensive than I am-but not so expensive as the cost to my sanity.
I am tired of being asked what I think the birth mother is thinking, or what she might do, how will she respond to [fill in the blank]. And it isn't just my husband asking, it's his whole family. How in the hell I became such an expert on the woman I have no idea. We are two totally different people and haven't ever had a conversation with her outside of our son; and the culmination of it usually ended up with me being screamed at over the phone.
I am now entirely hands off, whenever I'm asked anything about the birth mother, I just shrug my shoulders. I no longer make the phone calls or write the emails. It truly isn't my concern. I love my stepson dearly, and I would rather him be with us, but it isn't my battle.
I am happy now that he is 13 and that much closer to being of the age where he can decide where he wants to live. Though I'm not sure if the birth mother will listen to his wishes since she deems most of what he wants as "whimsical".
I don't mediate anymore, I don't talk to the birth mother on the phone unless she or I answer it, and any email communication between my husband and her gets the final okay from our lawyer. Granted, the lawyer is more expensive than I am-but not so expensive as the cost to my sanity.
I am tired of being asked what I think the birth mother is thinking, or what she might do, how will she respond to [fill in the blank]. And it isn't just my husband asking, it's his whole family. How in the hell I became such an expert on the woman I have no idea. We are two totally different people and haven't ever had a conversation with her outside of our son; and the culmination of it usually ended up with me being screamed at over the phone.
I am now entirely hands off, whenever I'm asked anything about the birth mother, I just shrug my shoulders. I no longer make the phone calls or write the emails. It truly isn't my concern. I love my stepson dearly, and I would rather him be with us, but it isn't my battle.
I am happy now that he is 13 and that much closer to being of the age where he can decide where he wants to live. Though I'm not sure if the birth mother will listen to his wishes since she deems most of what he wants as "whimsical".
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Take the Girl Time
I think that in most if not every stepmom's mind we believe we should spend every possible moment with our stepkids while they are under our roof.
I can't.
I love my husband and stepson dearly, I really do. They fill in places in my life that I didn't know were missing until I met them. But hanging around with those two all the time? I feel like I'm attached to a boy's club sometimes and I don't have the right equipment to be a part of it.
That's good though, because it is the father-son relationship that I'm experiencing and I don't necessarily need to be a part of that all the time. I know that right now the little perfectionist stepmom in me is crying out, "But, but," and maybe your inner stepmom is too. But honestly, he had those kids before you ladies, he can handle them.
The balance has taken me a few years, but I've learned that I don't need to get involved with everything as deeply as I did before. I don't need to hold everyone's hand, and honestly, it isn't my custody battle. It isn't!
I will remain supportive of both my husband and stepson throughout custody issues and whatever else comes their way. Supportive doesn't mean I have to be involved in every decision, it means that I can sit back and enjoy. If the boy is under our roof, awesome, I will take care of him as if he is my own. If he's not under our roof, I guess it means the husband and I can have more quality time together.
No matter what ladies, never lose those girl friends, there will be a time when you just need some girl time to take a break from being wife and mother.
I can't.
I love my husband and stepson dearly, I really do. They fill in places in my life that I didn't know were missing until I met them. But hanging around with those two all the time? I feel like I'm attached to a boy's club sometimes and I don't have the right equipment to be a part of it.
That's good though, because it is the father-son relationship that I'm experiencing and I don't necessarily need to be a part of that all the time. I know that right now the little perfectionist stepmom in me is crying out, "But, but," and maybe your inner stepmom is too. But honestly, he had those kids before you ladies, he can handle them.
The balance has taken me a few years, but I've learned that I don't need to get involved with everything as deeply as I did before. I don't need to hold everyone's hand, and honestly, it isn't my custody battle. It isn't!
I will remain supportive of both my husband and stepson throughout custody issues and whatever else comes their way. Supportive doesn't mean I have to be involved in every decision, it means that I can sit back and enjoy. If the boy is under our roof, awesome, I will take care of him as if he is my own. If he's not under our roof, I guess it means the husband and I can have more quality time together.
No matter what ladies, never lose those girl friends, there will be a time when you just need some girl time to take a break from being wife and mother.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Step Kids Need to Know they Belong
When our son arrived at our house after spending some time at his mother's, it seemed as though he felt he needed to carve out his own niche. His carving out his own niche not only included negotiating for everything that concerned him-but also necessitated a strong need in him to reorganize our entire house.
Maybe his mother's house is organized a different way, but it seemed to be a little deeper with our son than that. He even wanted to rearrange the flour and sugar canisters and where the bread was stored. It seemed as though rather than relearning our system (which has been around in this specific house for nine years of which he's been a part of) he wanted to create something new that started with him.
Since there was no real reason for our house to be organized according to what the little man thought would work, (regardless of canister size, we put the big one first because it is used most often) or where the bread should be stored (it would be hotter on top of the fridge and therefore get moldy faster) we simply reminded him of where everything went and gave him the option of reorganizing his bedroom.
The reorganization of his bedroom has been key in his maintenance of it. Before it was congested with toys (the last major cleaning being three years ago when he was 10) and now only a few remain. (A lot changes with a 13 year old-hence the start of a blog.) Now that the "too colorful maps and poster of flags of the world" are down and the furniture has been rearranged, there certainly is less clutter. And now the young man who often flings whatever comes into his grasp wherever he's done with it, actually has started to put some of his stuff back without being prompted. Now if I could only get him to do that with the rest of the house or with his dirty clothes, he wouldn't have to face grumpy stepmom.
Maybe his mother's house is organized a different way, but it seemed to be a little deeper with our son than that. He even wanted to rearrange the flour and sugar canisters and where the bread was stored. It seemed as though rather than relearning our system (which has been around in this specific house for nine years of which he's been a part of) he wanted to create something new that started with him.
Since there was no real reason for our house to be organized according to what the little man thought would work, (regardless of canister size, we put the big one first because it is used most often) or where the bread should be stored (it would be hotter on top of the fridge and therefore get moldy faster) we simply reminded him of where everything went and gave him the option of reorganizing his bedroom.
The reorganization of his bedroom has been key in his maintenance of it. Before it was congested with toys (the last major cleaning being three years ago when he was 10) and now only a few remain. (A lot changes with a 13 year old-hence the start of a blog.) Now that the "too colorful maps and poster of flags of the world" are down and the furniture has been rearranged, there certainly is less clutter. And now the young man who often flings whatever comes into his grasp wherever he's done with it, actually has started to put some of his stuff back without being prompted. Now if I could only get him to do that with the rest of the house or with his dirty clothes, he wouldn't have to face grumpy stepmom.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Addictions and Children
I have learned that addictions are genetic and that it is entirely possible for our stepson to have the same addictive personality as his blood relatives. I would have thought that after seeing as much pain and suffering that one particular family member went through that this would divert any interest in either alcohol or marijuana. While I'm fairly certain that he has not tried any of these things yet, his curiosity about them has me scared about a future that I cannot possibly control.
Over this past vacation we stayed at a family lodge where the pool room was connected to the bar and also a little arcade area. While his father and I didn't drink, we did agree to teach him how to play pool. The entire time we were there he just soaked it up like a sponge, commenting on how cool it was to be in a bar, and how he would try drinking simply because he liked the "bar atmosphere" and playing pool. Now he's decided that any restaurant where he can play pool is his favorite restaurant.
While I knew that he would probably try drinking when he was older and he would have to see for himself how he handled it, his apparent absorption into the bar scene frightened me. While I know that it is difficult for a human to learn from another's mistakes, I had hoped that he wouldn't make the same choices as his relatives.
His other comment that scared me was when he indicated that he liked the look of glass pipes and that he intended on starting a collection of them. While he didn't come out and say that he would smoke them I still don't like the idea of his even having them someday, knowing that he could get easily addicted. His dad and I tried to explain that there are plenty of items that are made from blown glass, that there are several other things that he could collect if he wanted.
While there is nothing I can do at the moment except worry about possible future warning signs of drugs and drinking, I can assist in breaking his addiction from technology. Our son has an affinity for computers, video games, iPods, etc. We limit the hours that he spends on these items simply because it becomes all he can think about or talk about when he has long exposure to them. (And he would spend 12 hours a day on them if he could.) Our latest technology debacle happened the night before basketball camp.
We put him to bed early because of the early morning the next day; but my husband had a feeling and checked on his son a half an hour later and found him playing his PSP under the covers. After having his PSP and the rest of his technologies taken away for the next week and a half we were able to observe his dependency which our son claims he doesn't have. Every time the husband and I came near the laptop to do any type of work it seemed as though our son was drawn there like a moth to a flame, just needing to soak in that artificial screen light. And we could be working on anything, things that don't normally interest him, but he would sit and stay until we asked him to leave.
While the banishment of technologies for our son would normally not allow him to be near the laptop while we worked, both the husband and I wanted to see how addictive his little personality really is. I'm not a fan of the answers I've observed; and I sincerely hope the future doesn't hold as much pain and addiction for the little guy as his relatives have experienced.
Over this past vacation we stayed at a family lodge where the pool room was connected to the bar and also a little arcade area. While his father and I didn't drink, we did agree to teach him how to play pool. The entire time we were there he just soaked it up like a sponge, commenting on how cool it was to be in a bar, and how he would try drinking simply because he liked the "bar atmosphere" and playing pool. Now he's decided that any restaurant where he can play pool is his favorite restaurant.
While I knew that he would probably try drinking when he was older and he would have to see for himself how he handled it, his apparent absorption into the bar scene frightened me. While I know that it is difficult for a human to learn from another's mistakes, I had hoped that he wouldn't make the same choices as his relatives.
His other comment that scared me was when he indicated that he liked the look of glass pipes and that he intended on starting a collection of them. While he didn't come out and say that he would smoke them I still don't like the idea of his even having them someday, knowing that he could get easily addicted. His dad and I tried to explain that there are plenty of items that are made from blown glass, that there are several other things that he could collect if he wanted.
While there is nothing I can do at the moment except worry about possible future warning signs of drugs and drinking, I can assist in breaking his addiction from technology. Our son has an affinity for computers, video games, iPods, etc. We limit the hours that he spends on these items simply because it becomes all he can think about or talk about when he has long exposure to them. (And he would spend 12 hours a day on them if he could.) Our latest technology debacle happened the night before basketball camp.
We put him to bed early because of the early morning the next day; but my husband had a feeling and checked on his son a half an hour later and found him playing his PSP under the covers. After having his PSP and the rest of his technologies taken away for the next week and a half we were able to observe his dependency which our son claims he doesn't have. Every time the husband and I came near the laptop to do any type of work it seemed as though our son was drawn there like a moth to a flame, just needing to soak in that artificial screen light. And we could be working on anything, things that don't normally interest him, but he would sit and stay until we asked him to leave.
While the banishment of technologies for our son would normally not allow him to be near the laptop while we worked, both the husband and I wanted to see how addictive his little personality really is. I'm not a fan of the answers I've observed; and I sincerely hope the future doesn't hold as much pain and addiction for the little guy as his relatives have experienced.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Follow Their Musical Dreams
I played four instruments when I was younger. My husband was forced to play the violin when he wanted to play sax, and didn't stick with the violin for very long. So when our son persisted on wanting to look at electric basses because he played one at a friend's house and really liked it-we didn't say no.
We arrived at Music Villa knowing little to nothing about basses. I had picked one up for approximately a year several years ago but never played it outside my bedroom, no money = no lessons, no place to play it.
The shop guys showed us a few nice entry level basses that our son could start with and introduced us to Eddie T., a bass player for seven different bands in the area. Eddie was able to pick out the best of the entry level basses and offered to give us a free first lesson if we purchased the bass that day. We already had an agreement with our son that we would split the cost between him and ourselves if bass was what he really wanted to play. The hope being that if he also sunk $150 into the guitar and amp costs that the equipment wouldn't sit in the corner and collect dust.
It worked. The next morning before he even came out of his room we heard the strumming of his bass. We called up Eddie T. and have been having once a week lessons ever since. He's learning how to play different songs, fingering exercises, and will soon start on scales and actually reading music instead of tabs. Pretty soon we'll enroll him in Music Villa's Performance Academy for eight weeks of Rock Camp.
What this stepmom knows right now, it's incredible to have an instrument in the house that the child plays willingly, mostly on his own, though sometimes having to be prompted to "practice."
We arrived at Music Villa knowing little to nothing about basses. I had picked one up for approximately a year several years ago but never played it outside my bedroom, no money = no lessons, no place to play it.
The shop guys showed us a few nice entry level basses that our son could start with and introduced us to Eddie T., a bass player for seven different bands in the area. Eddie was able to pick out the best of the entry level basses and offered to give us a free first lesson if we purchased the bass that day. We already had an agreement with our son that we would split the cost between him and ourselves if bass was what he really wanted to play. The hope being that if he also sunk $150 into the guitar and amp costs that the equipment wouldn't sit in the corner and collect dust.
It worked. The next morning before he even came out of his room we heard the strumming of his bass. We called up Eddie T. and have been having once a week lessons ever since. He's learning how to play different songs, fingering exercises, and will soon start on scales and actually reading music instead of tabs. Pretty soon we'll enroll him in Music Villa's Performance Academy for eight weeks of Rock Camp.
What this stepmom knows right now, it's incredible to have an instrument in the house that the child plays willingly, mostly on his own, though sometimes having to be prompted to "practice."
Persistence and Basketball Camp
My stepson just returned from a three day basketball camp. Granted, it was from 9 to 5, but he was able to come home with the husband and me in the evenings and be sent off the next morning with a snack and lunch from home. So he didn't even have to have "camp food".
Anyway, we enrolled him in basketball camp after he took such a liking to the sport-but didn't make the team last year. The camp focused on better ball handling and shooting skills. After Day One he came to the Jeep, stiff-legged and complaining. There weren't any cool kids, they worked him too hard, could he please not go to the next two days of camp.
We told him that Day Two would be better and his muscles would be more used to it-in fact they would stiffen up too much if he didn't try it again. So we ushered him out the door for Day Two with a lot of grumbling... but he was smiling when we picked him up from camp that day. He admitted to learning new skills, getting better at the stuff he had known, and his muscles didn't hurt too badly-but he couldn't wait to take off his basketball shoes.
Day Three didn't take any persuasion on our part to usher the little man off to camp-although he did know he was getting picked up at 3 o'clock instead of 5, but he came home, showed off some of the new moves he's learned and will continue to practice; and hopefully will take on basketball tryouts with a new confidence and make the team.
Thanks Advantage Basketball Camps!
Anyway, we enrolled him in basketball camp after he took such a liking to the sport-but didn't make the team last year. The camp focused on better ball handling and shooting skills. After Day One he came to the Jeep, stiff-legged and complaining. There weren't any cool kids, they worked him too hard, could he please not go to the next two days of camp.
We told him that Day Two would be better and his muscles would be more used to it-in fact they would stiffen up too much if he didn't try it again. So we ushered him out the door for Day Two with a lot of grumbling... but he was smiling when we picked him up from camp that day. He admitted to learning new skills, getting better at the stuff he had known, and his muscles didn't hurt too badly-but he couldn't wait to take off his basketball shoes.
Day Three didn't take any persuasion on our part to usher the little man off to camp-although he did know he was getting picked up at 3 o'clock instead of 5, but he came home, showed off some of the new moves he's learned and will continue to practice; and hopefully will take on basketball tryouts with a new confidence and make the team.
Thanks Advantage Basketball Camps!
It's the Little Things that Count
I am the laundress of our household. I have secured my position by being the finicky one about which of my things gets dried or hung to dry, and the only one around here who seems to care about shirts being folded the proper way, (without the crease down the middle). I do feel that the chores are split up equally, so it doesn't bother me being the laundress-I rather prefer it actually.
While I'm folding our laundry each of us gets our own individual stack of clothes to put away. For my stepson, I separate his stack even further: swim trunks, sports shorts, regular shorts, jeans, t-shirts, long sleeve, tank tops, boxers, and socks into smaller individualized stacks on his bed. In my mind it insures that they will be put away in appropriate drawers and discourages the action of attempting to fit one stack of laundry into one drawer. (We do have experience in this area.)
The other night I overheard my husband talking to his son, he said something to the effect of, "You're lucky, you get your clothes separated for you, I just get a large stack."
I haven't ever thought of doing it for my husband, simply because he can put his clothes away without the additional assistance. Yet since I have overheard this conversation between the two of them, I now separate his clothes into individual stacks on our bed too. It doesn't take that much longer for me to do--and the husband feels both appreciative and appreciated.
It really is the small things in a marriage that can make a difference.
While I'm folding our laundry each of us gets our own individual stack of clothes to put away. For my stepson, I separate his stack even further: swim trunks, sports shorts, regular shorts, jeans, t-shirts, long sleeve, tank tops, boxers, and socks into smaller individualized stacks on his bed. In my mind it insures that they will be put away in appropriate drawers and discourages the action of attempting to fit one stack of laundry into one drawer. (We do have experience in this area.)
The other night I overheard my husband talking to his son, he said something to the effect of, "You're lucky, you get your clothes separated for you, I just get a large stack."
I haven't ever thought of doing it for my husband, simply because he can put his clothes away without the additional assistance. Yet since I have overheard this conversation between the two of them, I now separate his clothes into individual stacks on our bed too. It doesn't take that much longer for me to do--and the husband feels both appreciative and appreciated.
It really is the small things in a marriage that can make a difference.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I Don't Want to Make that Fatal Mistake
I consistently worry about committing the parenting atrocities that my parents did. There are several reasons why they and I aren't on speaking terms currently. So when I feel my anger about to boil, I have to step back, or blow off some steam by running the lawn mower up and down the yard. So why am I frustrated?
We took our son on a short trip, and nothing pleased him. Our first stop was a little amusement place with Go Karts, Bumper Boats, Mini Golf, Laser Tag, and arcade games. After spending over $50 to amuse him with one of his old favorites, he focused all on the negative, how a kid had bumped him out of the race on the Go Karts and and how the whole park "was going downhill" because they didn't have as many high-end prizes as they did previously. (He's convinced that a long time ago they had a PS2 for a top-end prize, but since there is no video game console as the top-end prize, the whole place is obviously "going downhill".)
Our next stop was our favorite fishing cabins, they are the most comfortable on the Bighorn River, and the most clean. Well, they weren't good enough because their mattresses weren't Temperpedic. (Where on earth he has slept on a Temperpedic to have such an expert opinion on the matter I have no idea. Certainly not with his mother.)
Our next stop was our favorite fishing lodge by the Tongue River. He wasn't pleased here because the hot tub water was too hot, there was some dirt in it, and his steak at dinner came out rare instead of medium.
On our way back we stopped off at some water slides, but of course he has rode on better elsewhere (even though the last time he was at an alternate water park he was too scared to ride the slides--but it's more fun.)
I try to be positive about most things in life, so when I'm stuck traveling with a little unappreciative storm cloud, I just about lose it, or mow the lawn really quickly when I get home.
Last night after I felt I had cooled off enough, we sat down with him and had a long talk about what it means to appreciate what other people are trying to give you, staying positive, and how having a sense of entitlement is going to get you nowhere. I realize that we are a fortunate family--able to drop everything at home most of the time to go fish someplace. But if you ask him about this trip, he wouldn't tell you about the fishing at all, (which was awesome, by the way, and he caught his first fish on dry flies), but he would tell you about the too hot hot tub, the undercooked steak, and the mattresses that weren't Temperpedic.
Whatever life hands you, you should be appreciative of the good parts, no matter what the negative side of that might be. And if you have a sense of entitlement of what should happen or what should be given to you whenever you want it, especially at 13, you will end up disappointed and putting a damper on everyone else's good time too.
There is a reason why his father started calling him "His Lordship", there is a reason why I'm debating between either "Diva" or "Goldilocks", but maybe if he looks up the words entitlement, selfishness, and appreciation today, his attitude may improve as it usually does after he has to look up terms that describe his behavior.
But most of all, even after I discipline him, I hope he still speaks to me as an adult.
We took our son on a short trip, and nothing pleased him. Our first stop was a little amusement place with Go Karts, Bumper Boats, Mini Golf, Laser Tag, and arcade games. After spending over $50 to amuse him with one of his old favorites, he focused all on the negative, how a kid had bumped him out of the race on the Go Karts and and how the whole park "was going downhill" because they didn't have as many high-end prizes as they did previously. (He's convinced that a long time ago they had a PS2 for a top-end prize, but since there is no video game console as the top-end prize, the whole place is obviously "going downhill".)
Our next stop was our favorite fishing cabins, they are the most comfortable on the Bighorn River, and the most clean. Well, they weren't good enough because their mattresses weren't Temperpedic. (Where on earth he has slept on a Temperpedic to have such an expert opinion on the matter I have no idea. Certainly not with his mother.)
Our next stop was our favorite fishing lodge by the Tongue River. He wasn't pleased here because the hot tub water was too hot, there was some dirt in it, and his steak at dinner came out rare instead of medium.
On our way back we stopped off at some water slides, but of course he has rode on better elsewhere (even though the last time he was at an alternate water park he was too scared to ride the slides--but it's more fun.)
I try to be positive about most things in life, so when I'm stuck traveling with a little unappreciative storm cloud, I just about lose it, or mow the lawn really quickly when I get home.
Last night after I felt I had cooled off enough, we sat down with him and had a long talk about what it means to appreciate what other people are trying to give you, staying positive, and how having a sense of entitlement is going to get you nowhere. I realize that we are a fortunate family--able to drop everything at home most of the time to go fish someplace. But if you ask him about this trip, he wouldn't tell you about the fishing at all, (which was awesome, by the way, and he caught his first fish on dry flies), but he would tell you about the too hot hot tub, the undercooked steak, and the mattresses that weren't Temperpedic.
Whatever life hands you, you should be appreciative of the good parts, no matter what the negative side of that might be. And if you have a sense of entitlement of what should happen or what should be given to you whenever you want it, especially at 13, you will end up disappointed and putting a damper on everyone else's good time too.
There is a reason why his father started calling him "His Lordship", there is a reason why I'm debating between either "Diva" or "Goldilocks", but maybe if he looks up the words entitlement, selfishness, and appreciation today, his attitude may improve as it usually does after he has to look up terms that describe his behavior.
But most of all, even after I discipline him, I hope he still speaks to me as an adult.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Transitioning Bedroom
I knew it was coming, we all did, the "I'm too grown up for this bedroom". (We made it out fairly easy actually--he still wants his bunk beds for the built-in desk and cubby, and he liked the framed pictures we already had of trees and fish, thus avoiding the band posters). It was hinted at a few months ago when he complained that the World Map, United States Map, and Flags of the World poster on his wall were "too colorful". He also mentioned this about the little blue plastic cabinet with the red, yellow, and green drawers in his closet that stores miscellany, but it's still storing miscellany because it's in the closet where no one can see it.
Anyway, yesterday was the big clean out day, and it took nearly all day because every toy that was pulled out had to be played with or charged and then played with. It's great that he shows such sentimentality for the toys, but all that playing tires a little man out. The afternoon seemed to drag on without end for him and for us. (It didn't help that we also had to run into town to his bass lesson at 3:30).
While the sentimentality was precious, it also was a little frustrating. As usual he had to be redirected to the task, otherwise he would not have been able to sleep in his bedroom last night. At times he would get frustrated because he is at the nervous nexus of childhood and being a teenager and he wouldn't know if he wanted to keep an item or not. Our simple rule was to keep it if he didn't know, better to have it than to regret it later.
The important lesson from having to transition your bedroom from one stage of life to the next (or moving for us adults); is how overwhelming material items can be when faced with organizing and getting rid of the less important. All the moving I did in my early twenties taught me that I really only need the necessities. A list of necessities is going to be different for everyone, for me it was clothing, kitchen cookware, at least one if not two pieces of furniture for each type of room, and pictures to hang on the wall. (I would figure out the curtain arrangements after I moved in since windows are never the same size).
Our culture facilitates purchasing extra items at the store that we didn't intend when we went to the store in the first place. It's easy for all of us to eventually box up items, store them, and promptly forget about them because "we might use them later." It doesn't hurt to take the hard line and unload what we haven't even looked at for a few years.
What I do know for certain is that a donation center will be pleased with the load that we bring in this afternoon.
Anyway, yesterday was the big clean out day, and it took nearly all day because every toy that was pulled out had to be played with or charged and then played with. It's great that he shows such sentimentality for the toys, but all that playing tires a little man out. The afternoon seemed to drag on without end for him and for us. (It didn't help that we also had to run into town to his bass lesson at 3:30).
While the sentimentality was precious, it also was a little frustrating. As usual he had to be redirected to the task, otherwise he would not have been able to sleep in his bedroom last night. At times he would get frustrated because he is at the nervous nexus of childhood and being a teenager and he wouldn't know if he wanted to keep an item or not. Our simple rule was to keep it if he didn't know, better to have it than to regret it later.
The important lesson from having to transition your bedroom from one stage of life to the next (or moving for us adults); is how overwhelming material items can be when faced with organizing and getting rid of the less important. All the moving I did in my early twenties taught me that I really only need the necessities. A list of necessities is going to be different for everyone, for me it was clothing, kitchen cookware, at least one if not two pieces of furniture for each type of room, and pictures to hang on the wall. (I would figure out the curtain arrangements after I moved in since windows are never the same size).
Our culture facilitates purchasing extra items at the store that we didn't intend when we went to the store in the first place. It's easy for all of us to eventually box up items, store them, and promptly forget about them because "we might use them later." It doesn't hurt to take the hard line and unload what we haven't even looked at for a few years.
What I do know for certain is that a donation center will be pleased with the load that we bring in this afternoon.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Why it's Unreasonable to Say "No" to a Reasonable Query
Let's face it, "No" works about as long as your child allows it. Then come the "reasoning" years, (though, depending on the mood of the child the "reasoning" may be argumentative, talking back, etc). The reasoning years don't take "No" as an acceptable answer to a reasonable query. So what is an unreasonable query?
Lately my stepson has been studying vehicles as we pass and wondering which one might be his in three years. Three years. Anyway, when we pass by a corvette, "Can you get me that fast car?" "No," is an appropriate response, and not one they intend to argue with. "Can I get a motorcycle?" requires a little more than a "No," something to the effect of: "Not while you're on my insurance policy," usually gets the message across. Unreasonable queries can actually handle a humorous, sarcastic response, depending on the sensitivity level of the child.
So what about reasonable queries? Why is "No" not an appropriate response? Reasonable queries are often something the child has received before, a privilege you might say. If you say "No" it's guaranteed that the child will believe this is up for debate. The answer can never be just "No."
An example of a reasonable query came from my stepson a few days ago, "Can I play some video games?" It was in the morning, and there were expectations (see previous post) of him that still needed to be accomplished that morning as they do every morning. So instead of "No" the response to his reasonable query was, "First you need to make your bed, pick up your clothes off the floor and place them in the hamper, wash the breakfast dishes, and practice your bass."
He smiled, took care of the listed items, (teenagers work best with lists, otherwise they forget what they're supposed to do and get in trouble) and in a little over an hour, he was playing video games.
Lately my stepson has been studying vehicles as we pass and wondering which one might be his in three years. Three years. Anyway, when we pass by a corvette, "Can you get me that fast car?" "No," is an appropriate response, and not one they intend to argue with. "Can I get a motorcycle?" requires a little more than a "No," something to the effect of: "Not while you're on my insurance policy," usually gets the message across. Unreasonable queries can actually handle a humorous, sarcastic response, depending on the sensitivity level of the child.
So what about reasonable queries? Why is "No" not an appropriate response? Reasonable queries are often something the child has received before, a privilege you might say. If you say "No" it's guaranteed that the child will believe this is up for debate. The answer can never be just "No."
An example of a reasonable query came from my stepson a few days ago, "Can I play some video games?" It was in the morning, and there were expectations (see previous post) of him that still needed to be accomplished that morning as they do every morning. So instead of "No" the response to his reasonable query was, "First you need to make your bed, pick up your clothes off the floor and place them in the hamper, wash the breakfast dishes, and practice your bass."
He smiled, took care of the listed items, (teenagers work best with lists, otherwise they forget what they're supposed to do and get in trouble) and in a little over an hour, he was playing video games.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Consistency is a Parent's Best Friend
I realized early on that consistency is an invaluable tool in parenting. When there is consistency, there are expectations for both the child and parent to meet-and the structure is reassuring for all involved.
While my stepson has been under our roof this summer, we have set a bedtime for 11 pm. Granted this didn't always work while we were on vacation-but when we are at home we can schedule a little bit easier and institute the 11 pm bedtime. The first two or three nights we faced some argument, a little talk back about how it's his summer vacation and he can do whatever he wants. But now when we state "bedtime", he simply makes a slight grumbling noise and off he goes. While this has been consistent-and no longer an issue seen for debate in the teenage mind, reading before bed is still a consistency issue.
My stepson used to love to read, but now with adolescence and growing access to technologies that can move much faster (or be changed in a click), books have a difficult time holding his attention. We always used to have a before bed reading time of half an hour. As of late, if he hasn't read yet that day, we ask him to get ready for bed at 10:30 and lights out at 11. Not only is he keeping up with schoolwork that will probably never be checked, (he's supposed to read five recommended books over the summer) but the half hour also provides a great wind-down time for a young man whose mind and therefore body dart in every direction possible with every new thought. (Yes, he is a bit clumsy.)
Here's where the consistency problem is-the arguments and talk backs about starting to read at 10:30 and lights out at 11 persisted past a few nights. Finally, my stepson proposed the solution, if he hadn't read yet during the day, he would read at 10:30, if he had read, he could stay up with us until 11. In this instance compromise instead of consistency created the expectation at our house. And with those expectations, come a happy, peaceful household.
While my stepson has been under our roof this summer, we have set a bedtime for 11 pm. Granted this didn't always work while we were on vacation-but when we are at home we can schedule a little bit easier and institute the 11 pm bedtime. The first two or three nights we faced some argument, a little talk back about how it's his summer vacation and he can do whatever he wants. But now when we state "bedtime", he simply makes a slight grumbling noise and off he goes. While this has been consistent-and no longer an issue seen for debate in the teenage mind, reading before bed is still a consistency issue.
My stepson used to love to read, but now with adolescence and growing access to technologies that can move much faster (or be changed in a click), books have a difficult time holding his attention. We always used to have a before bed reading time of half an hour. As of late, if he hasn't read yet that day, we ask him to get ready for bed at 10:30 and lights out at 11. Not only is he keeping up with schoolwork that will probably never be checked, (he's supposed to read five recommended books over the summer) but the half hour also provides a great wind-down time for a young man whose mind and therefore body dart in every direction possible with every new thought. (Yes, he is a bit clumsy.)
Here's where the consistency problem is-the arguments and talk backs about starting to read at 10:30 and lights out at 11 persisted past a few nights. Finally, my stepson proposed the solution, if he hadn't read yet during the day, he would read at 10:30, if he had read, he could stay up with us until 11. In this instance compromise instead of consistency created the expectation at our house. And with those expectations, come a happy, peaceful household.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Is Parenting Really Different Than What I'm Doing?
The question has an easy answer, and that is simply no, there are the same responsibilities, disciplinary issues, same attention paid to the child. But it's complicated.
Most stepparents aren't around for all the childhood years, and in this there is a unique challenge in defining respect between the stepparent and stepchild, and what the boundaries should be in that relationship. While I feel I have a great relationship with my stepson, I also at times lean on his father to handle the situations that I am unsure of. I believe that this is probably normal for most stepparents, we are involved in the upbringing, but also detached. There simply seems to be things that the parent should handle, and in my case, 13 year-old boys listen to their fathers better than anyone else on certain subjects.
While this primary post doesn't have too many specifics, I hope it provides more detail of what is to come as this stepmom takes on her stepson's teenage years.
Most stepparents aren't around for all the childhood years, and in this there is a unique challenge in defining respect between the stepparent and stepchild, and what the boundaries should be in that relationship. While I feel I have a great relationship with my stepson, I also at times lean on his father to handle the situations that I am unsure of. I believe that this is probably normal for most stepparents, we are involved in the upbringing, but also detached. There simply seems to be things that the parent should handle, and in my case, 13 year-old boys listen to their fathers better than anyone else on certain subjects.
While this primary post doesn't have too many specifics, I hope it provides more detail of what is to come as this stepmom takes on her stepson's teenage years.
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