Chores and Regressions

Most children have them, so why don't some stepkids? Some parents feel that because their child only spends part of the time at their house, that the children should have all the fun possible while they are there.

Not that I'm against fun.

But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).

Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.

Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.

My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).

All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!

I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).

My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.

I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.

Take the Girl Time

I think that in most if not every stepmom's mind we believe we should spend every possible moment with our stepkids while they are under our roof.

I can't.

I love my husband and stepson dearly, I really do. They fill in places in my life that I didn't know were missing until I met them. But hanging around with those two all the time? I feel like I'm attached to a boy's club sometimes and I don't have the right equipment to be a part of it.

That's good though, because it is the father-son relationship that I'm experiencing and I don't necessarily need to be a part of that all the time. I know that right now the little perfectionist stepmom in me is crying out, "But, but," and maybe your inner stepmom is too. But honestly, he had those kids before you ladies, he can handle them.

The balance has taken me a few years, but I've learned that I don't need to get involved with everything as deeply as I did before. I don't need to hold everyone's hand, and honestly, it isn't my custody battle. It isn't!

I will remain supportive of both my husband and stepson throughout custody issues and whatever else comes their way. Supportive doesn't mean I have to be involved in every decision, it means that I can sit back and enjoy. If the boy is under our roof, awesome, I will take care of him as if he is my own. If he's not under our roof, I guess it means the husband and I can have more quality time together.

No matter what ladies, never lose those girl friends, there will be a time when you just need some girl time to take a break from being wife and mother.