The Transitioning Bedroom

I knew it was coming, we all did, the "I'm too grown up for this bedroom". (We made it out fairly easy actually--he still wants his bunk beds for the built-in desk and cubby, and he liked the framed pictures we already had of trees and fish, thus avoiding the band posters). It was hinted at a few months ago when he complained that the World Map, United States Map, and Flags of the World poster on his wall were "too colorful". He also mentioned this about the little blue plastic cabinet with the red, yellow, and green drawers in his closet that stores miscellany, but it's still storing miscellany because it's in the closet where no one can see it.

Anyway, yesterday was the big clean out day, and it took nearly all day because every toy that was pulled out had to be played with or charged and then played with. It's great that he shows such sentimentality for the toys, but all that playing tires a little man out. The afternoon seemed to drag on without end for him and for us. (It didn't help that we also had to run into town to his bass lesson at 3:30).

While the sentimentality was precious, it also was a little frustrating. As usual he had to be redirected to the task, otherwise he would not have been able to sleep in his bedroom last night. At times he would get frustrated because he is at the nervous nexus of childhood and being a teenager and he wouldn't know if he wanted to keep an item or not. Our simple rule was to keep it if he didn't know, better to have it than to regret it later.

The important lesson from having to transition your bedroom from one stage of life to the next (or moving for us adults); is how overwhelming material items can be when faced with organizing and getting rid of the less important. All the moving I did in my early twenties taught me that I really only need the necessities. A list of necessities is going to be different for everyone, for me it was clothing, kitchen cookware, at least one if not two pieces of furniture for each type of room, and pictures to hang on the wall. (I would figure out the curtain arrangements after I moved in since windows are never the same size).

Our culture facilitates purchasing extra items at the store that we didn't intend when we went to the store in the first place. It's easy for all of us to eventually box up items, store them, and promptly forget about them because "we might use them later." It doesn't hurt to take the hard line and unload what we haven't even looked at for a few years.

What I do know for certain is that a donation center will be pleased with the load that we bring in this afternoon.

Consistency is a Parent's Best Friend

I realized early on that consistency is an invaluable tool in parenting. When there is consistency, there are expectations for both the child and parent to meet-and the structure is reassuring for all involved.

While my stepson has been under our roof this summer, we have set a bedtime for 11 pm. Granted this didn't always work while we were on vacation-but when we are at home we can schedule a little bit easier and institute the 11 pm bedtime. The first two or three nights we faced some argument, a little talk back about how it's his summer vacation and he can do whatever he wants. But now when we state "bedtime", he simply makes a slight grumbling noise and off he goes. While this has been consistent-and no longer an issue seen for debate in the teenage mind, reading before bed is still a consistency issue.

My stepson used to love to read, but now with adolescence and growing access to technologies that can move much faster (or be changed in a click), books have a difficult time holding his attention. We always used to have a before bed reading time of half an hour. As of late, if he hasn't read yet that day, we ask him to get ready for bed at 10:30 and lights out at 11. Not only is he keeping up with schoolwork that will probably never be checked, (he's supposed to read five recommended books over the summer) but the half hour also provides a great wind-down time for a young man whose mind and therefore body dart in every direction possible with every new thought. (Yes, he is a bit clumsy.)

Here's where the consistency problem is-the arguments and talk backs about starting to read at 10:30 and lights out at 11 persisted past a few nights. Finally, my stepson proposed the solution, if he hadn't read yet during the day, he would read at 10:30, if he had read, he could stay up with us until 11. In this instance compromise instead of consistency created the expectation at our house. And with those expectations, come a happy, peaceful household.

Is Parenting Really Different Than What I'm Doing?

The question has an easy answer, and that is simply no, there are the same responsibilities, disciplinary issues, same attention paid to the child. But it's complicated.

Most stepparents aren't around for all the childhood years, and in this there is a unique challenge in defining respect between the stepparent and stepchild, and what the boundaries should be in that relationship. While I feel I have a great relationship with my stepson, I also at times lean on his father to handle the situations that I am unsure of. I believe that this is probably normal for most stepparents, we are involved in the upbringing, but also detached. There simply seems to be things that the parent should handle, and in my case, 13 year-old boys listen to their fathers better than anyone else on certain subjects.

While this primary post doesn't have too many specifics, I hope it provides more detail of what is to come as this stepmom takes on her stepson's teenage years.