The Counselor: an Unbiased Third Party Approach

I found it a bit unusual that counseling sessions were so normal in my husband's family when I first met him. That may be because I came from a family where you weren't supposed to express your feelings because that made you weak.

I really do appreciate counseling appointments now.

The family is able to air out emotions or about events that have been troubling them and can find a solution with the unbiased third party in the room. The counselor often knows the right questions to ask and has seen these situations before, and can provide solutions from experience of knowing what has worked for other blended families.

This has been huge for us in negotiating chores and respect. (I also recently learned from a family that hasn't been blended that counseling really helped their relationships between father and mother and two teenage sons). So ladies, even those "normal" families ask for counseling help too.

The other area counseling has been a large part of is negotiating with the birth mother where the boy wants to reside during the school year. This has been a point of contention since she followed the latest flame to his home state 2,500 miles away. Now that our son has had experience with his counselor and trusts her, she can vouch for his desires that he may not want to speak to either us nor his mother and her partner about for fear of hurting our feelings. The counselor being in place also means that the boy may not have to speak with the judge himself since he finds the idea of being in court frightening.

All along the way, however, counseling has provided a safe place for him to voice his thoughts, concerns, and emotions about issues that would be difficult for him to bring up otherwise.

Keep Something for Yourselves

We love the fact that the men we've married (or at least are involved with) are great daddies. We praise them, adore them for it, and admit it, it probably even makes your uterus tingle too.

But sometimes, there just needs to be some special couple time at a special event, place, or date. I'm not dogging the parenting instinct to show kids everything the parent knows or does--we all would like our children to become well rounded people and remember fun experiences with the folks.

But there is the relationship of the couple to be considered. And the couple in that relationship should be considerate of each other with their time and affection. It is far too easy to put the children first and forget the other half of the parenting team. It's okay to take a night off from the kids to go on a date, or to keep that one memorable place you spent with your significant other, a place just for you and your significant other. (Even if it might have a great pool that the kids would enjoy).

I was once pleasantly informed by my stepson that he would be traveling with his father and I on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. Really? Even though we haven't taken it yet, (maybe after our 3rd wedding anniversary) it will still be our honeymoon, party of two.

The point is, Stepmoms, (or Stepdads), you may love those kids with all your heart, but don't forget how you became a stepparent to them; and gently remind your significant others about your half of the parenting team needing some time alone. It's not selfish, and more often than not it does the couple good to spend some time just focusing on each other.

Chores and Regressions

Most children have them, so why don't some stepkids? Some parents feel that because their child only spends part of the time at their house, that the children should have all the fun possible while they are there.

Not that I'm against fun.

But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).

Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.

Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.

My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).

All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!

I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).

My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.

I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.

I Walk Away

I used to handle all the communication between the birth mother and my husband. He didn't want to talk to her, she didn't want to talk to him, and the mediator (me) received the brunt of the attack from both sides.

I don't mediate anymore, I don't talk to the birth mother on the phone unless she or I answer it, and any email communication between my husband and her gets the final okay from our lawyer. Granted, the lawyer is more expensive than I am-but not so expensive as the cost to my sanity.

I am tired of being asked what I think the birth mother is thinking, or what she might do, how will she respond to [fill in the blank]. And it isn't just my husband asking, it's his whole family. How in the hell I became such an expert on the woman I have no idea. We are two totally different people and haven't ever had a conversation with her outside of our son; and the culmination of it usually ended up with me being screamed at over the phone.

I am now entirely hands off, whenever I'm asked anything about the birth mother, I just shrug my shoulders. I no longer make the phone calls or write the emails. It truly isn't my concern. I love my stepson dearly, and I would rather him be with us, but it isn't my battle.

I am happy now that he is 13 and that much closer to being of the age where he can decide where he wants to live. Though I'm not sure if the birth mother will listen to his wishes since she deems most of what he wants as "whimsical".

Take the Girl Time

I think that in most if not every stepmom's mind we believe we should spend every possible moment with our stepkids while they are under our roof.

I can't.

I love my husband and stepson dearly, I really do. They fill in places in my life that I didn't know were missing until I met them. But hanging around with those two all the time? I feel like I'm attached to a boy's club sometimes and I don't have the right equipment to be a part of it.

That's good though, because it is the father-son relationship that I'm experiencing and I don't necessarily need to be a part of that all the time. I know that right now the little perfectionist stepmom in me is crying out, "But, but," and maybe your inner stepmom is too. But honestly, he had those kids before you ladies, he can handle them.

The balance has taken me a few years, but I've learned that I don't need to get involved with everything as deeply as I did before. I don't need to hold everyone's hand, and honestly, it isn't my custody battle. It isn't!

I will remain supportive of both my husband and stepson throughout custody issues and whatever else comes their way. Supportive doesn't mean I have to be involved in every decision, it means that I can sit back and enjoy. If the boy is under our roof, awesome, I will take care of him as if he is my own. If he's not under our roof, I guess it means the husband and I can have more quality time together.

No matter what ladies, never lose those girl friends, there will be a time when you just need some girl time to take a break from being wife and mother.

Step Kids Need to Know they Belong

When our son arrived at our house after spending some time at his mother's, it seemed as though he felt he needed to carve out his own niche. His carving out his own niche not only included negotiating for everything that concerned him-but also necessitated a strong need in him to reorganize our entire house.

Maybe his mother's house is organized a different way, but it seemed to be a little deeper with our son than that. He even wanted to rearrange the flour and sugar canisters and where the bread was stored. It seemed as though rather than relearning our system (which has been around in this specific house for nine years of which he's been a part of) he wanted to create something new that started with him.

Since there was no real reason for our house to be organized according to what the little man thought would work, (regardless of canister size, we put the big one first because it is used most often) or where the bread should be stored (it would be hotter on top of the fridge and therefore get moldy faster) we simply reminded him of where everything went and gave him the option of reorganizing his bedroom.

The reorganization of his bedroom has been key in his maintenance of it. Before it was congested with toys (the last major cleaning being three years ago when he was 10) and now only a few remain. (A lot changes with a 13 year old-hence the start of a blog.) Now that the "too colorful maps and poster of flags of the world" are down and the furniture has been rearranged, there certainly is less clutter. And now the young man who often flings whatever comes into his grasp wherever he's done with it, actually has started to put some of his stuff back without being prompted. Now if I could only get him to do that with the rest of the house or with his dirty clothes, he wouldn't have to face grumpy stepmom.

Addictions and Children

I have learned that addictions are genetic and that it is entirely possible for our stepson to have the same addictive personality as his blood relatives. I would have thought that after seeing as much pain and suffering that one particular family member went through that this would divert any interest in either alcohol or marijuana. While I'm fairly certain that he has not tried any of these things yet, his curiosity about them has me scared about a future that I cannot possibly control.

Over this past vacation we stayed at a family lodge where the pool room was connected to the bar and also a little arcade area. While his father and I didn't drink, we did agree to teach him how to play pool. The entire time we were there he just soaked it up like a sponge, commenting on how cool it was to be in a bar, and how he would try drinking simply because he liked the "bar atmosphere" and playing pool. Now he's decided that any restaurant where he can play pool is his favorite restaurant.

While I knew that he would probably try drinking when he was older and he would have to see for himself how he handled it, his apparent absorption into the bar scene frightened me. While I know that it is difficult for a human to learn from another's mistakes, I had hoped that he wouldn't make the same choices as his relatives.

His other comment that scared me was when he indicated that he liked the look of glass pipes and that he intended on starting a collection of them. While he didn't come out and say that he would smoke them I still don't like the idea of his even having them someday, knowing that he could get easily addicted. His dad and I tried to explain that there are plenty of items that are made from blown glass, that there are several other things that he could collect if he wanted.

While there is nothing I can do at the moment except worry about possible future warning signs of drugs and drinking, I can assist in breaking his addiction from technology. Our son has an affinity for computers, video games, iPods, etc. We limit the hours that he spends on these items simply because it becomes all he can think about or talk about when he has long exposure to them. (And he would spend 12 hours a day on them if he could.) Our latest technology debacle happened the night before basketball camp.

We put him to bed early because of the early morning the next day; but my husband had a feeling and checked on his son a half an hour later and found him playing his PSP under the covers. After having his PSP and the rest of his technologies taken away for the next week and a half we were able to observe his dependency which our son claims he doesn't have. Every time the husband and I came near the laptop to do any type of work it seemed as though our son was drawn there like a moth to a flame, just needing to soak in that artificial screen light. And we could be working on anything, things that don't normally interest him, but he would sit and stay until we asked him to leave.

While the banishment of technologies for our son would normally not allow him to be near the laptop while we worked, both the husband and I wanted to see how addictive his little personality really is. I'm not a fan of the answers I've observed; and I sincerely hope the future doesn't hold as much pain and addiction for the little guy as his relatives have experienced.