Hence, the new name for my blog. I still plan on writing what it's like to be a stepmom, but now I admittedly have a new perspective and a new appreciation about carrying the egg that sprang forth a miraculous child into this world.
My stepson now lives 2,500 miles away, it's been difficult, especially for my husband to accept. But it seems that he is now comfortable with the fact that his 14-year old son has chosen to live in Maine and spend three of his allotted eight weeks with us in the summer, the next time we'll see him is for Christmas. He is growing up and would rather spend most of his time with his friends. I also have had to detach from my stepson as part of the process.
With this detachment I also have a new attachment, my soon to be three month old son has brought exponential amounts of joy to our household, and I have a new appreciation for moms.
Ladies, I understand what it's like to stand by your man and defend his fatherly right to see his child as often as he desires, I understand what it's like to have the birth mother in some senses not quite demonized but described as being less than a quality mother. She may have hurt your spouse, but a lot of mothers love their children unconditionally and only want the best for them. And she, quite honestly, is probably a little concerned about the new woman that her ex is bringing into their children's lives. That's right, she's probably concerned about you, about your influence, your values, how fairly you will treat her children when they are with you and her ex. So, even if you don't care for the birth mother at all, try to show her a little compassion, and it will come back to you tenfold, because she will feel better about you being around her children.
Mama Bear's Instincts
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Breaking the Big "Baby" News
The husband and I have always discussed having one more, one of my own, two of his. I love my stepson dearly-but I also feel that I missed out on the first nine years of his life, some of the more formative and experiential ones. And the mother in me cried out, "Why can't I experience that?!"
After spending quite a bit of time with our 13 year old this summer I realized a few things. He was still my stepson-but he also wasn't that sweet little nine year old boy that I had met (he's still sweet-he just has his moments). I also began to wonder if I wanted another little one around after being in the (albeit few) melodramatic moments of a 13 year old's life.
Two months ago the husband and I found out that we were going to experience it all over again, with our little one arriving in May. There have been moments of excitement, and others of sheer shock and disbelief, and sometimes... fear. That's right, the four letter f-word. Bringing a child into the world is an exciting, and sometimes scary thing. (And if one more woman asks me if I'm excited I'm going to say No just to see the look on her face. Isn't that question answered always by the obligatory Yes?)
So, after the husband and I got used to the idea, we had to make the phone call to my stepson. The husband wanted to wait until we saw him at Thanksgiving, but since I started showing early-that wasn't necessarily an option. My stepson needed to know before seeing the belly.
It was never a question in our minds as to who should break the news to my stepson. Yet here are a few reasons why it should be by the biological parent and NOT the step parent.
1.) Hearing about a new sibling from the biological parent lets the child know that the parent still values what they think and feel.
2.) I would actually advise step parents to be out of the room for this one so as not to apply any added pressure to the child on having to act excited for a new sibling.
3.) Let's face it, the first thing to run through their minds is: "What happens to my room, my stuff, my time with the folks?"
4.) These reassurances SHOULD be made by the biological parent so that the child doesn't feel as though they are being replaced just because they are only around part of the time.
5.) When the child is ready and comfortable with the news, then and only then should they have contact with the step parent. The point here is to not force the issue.
6.) The step parent should then reassure the child that even with the new sibling on the way, the step child will still be an important aspect of their lives. There is the impression out there that your own kids are more important to you than your step children.
7.) Under no circumstances should any child feel less important than another in the household. This only creates familial trouble. (Does this mean they have to share? Yes.) Does this mean that you may need a good counselor? Yes.
(How did you get by without one before with the separation of the biological parents and combining of families?)
8.) Make sure the child has a third party to talk to at any point. My stepson knows his counselor's phone number and makes the call on his own when he needs to speak with her. (Did it take us a few tries to find the right counselor? Yes.)
So, how did my stepson take the news? His first response was a good-natured, "Aw, crap." But after it sunk in for awhile he started asking about when the baby was due and looked up the weekly comparison to a piece of fruit or vegetable, "the Bean is as big as a peach this week," and when we saw him at Thanksgiving--he couldn't stop rubbing the belly.
Sometimes 13 year old boys are just as sweet as when they were nine.
After spending quite a bit of time with our 13 year old this summer I realized a few things. He was still my stepson-but he also wasn't that sweet little nine year old boy that I had met (he's still sweet-he just has his moments). I also began to wonder if I wanted another little one around after being in the (albeit few) melodramatic moments of a 13 year old's life.
Two months ago the husband and I found out that we were going to experience it all over again, with our little one arriving in May. There have been moments of excitement, and others of sheer shock and disbelief, and sometimes... fear. That's right, the four letter f-word. Bringing a child into the world is an exciting, and sometimes scary thing. (And if one more woman asks me if I'm excited I'm going to say No just to see the look on her face. Isn't that question answered always by the obligatory Yes?)
So, after the husband and I got used to the idea, we had to make the phone call to my stepson. The husband wanted to wait until we saw him at Thanksgiving, but since I started showing early-that wasn't necessarily an option. My stepson needed to know before seeing the belly.
It was never a question in our minds as to who should break the news to my stepson. Yet here are a few reasons why it should be by the biological parent and NOT the step parent.
1.) Hearing about a new sibling from the biological parent lets the child know that the parent still values what they think and feel.
2.) I would actually advise step parents to be out of the room for this one so as not to apply any added pressure to the child on having to act excited for a new sibling.
3.) Let's face it, the first thing to run through their minds is: "What happens to my room, my stuff, my time with the folks?"
4.) These reassurances SHOULD be made by the biological parent so that the child doesn't feel as though they are being replaced just because they are only around part of the time.
5.) When the child is ready and comfortable with the news, then and only then should they have contact with the step parent. The point here is to not force the issue.
6.) The step parent should then reassure the child that even with the new sibling on the way, the step child will still be an important aspect of their lives. There is the impression out there that your own kids are more important to you than your step children.
7.) Under no circumstances should any child feel less important than another in the household. This only creates familial trouble. (Does this mean they have to share? Yes.) Does this mean that you may need a good counselor? Yes.
(How did you get by without one before with the separation of the biological parents and combining of families?)
8.) Make sure the child has a third party to talk to at any point. My stepson knows his counselor's phone number and makes the call on his own when he needs to speak with her. (Did it take us a few tries to find the right counselor? Yes.)
So, how did my stepson take the news? His first response was a good-natured, "Aw, crap." But after it sunk in for awhile he started asking about when the baby was due and looked up the weekly comparison to a piece of fruit or vegetable, "the Bean is as big as a peach this week," and when we saw him at Thanksgiving--he couldn't stop rubbing the belly.
Sometimes 13 year old boys are just as sweet as when they were nine.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Maintaining Consistent Contact
There are going to be periods of time for most of us when the stepchild is with the other set of parents. And if this period of time is an extensive amount of time there is no reason why we shouldn't maintain consistent contact while they are away.
Our son chose to stay in Maine with his birth mother this school year after he had been here this summer. During the summer months he had told his counselor that he wanted to move back to Montana, we had made the appropriate motions with the court and our lawyer, and $2,000 later, he changed his mind.
His father and I were deeply hurt, we had looked forward to having more time with him than a week at Christmas, Spring Break, and summers. He had been accepted at a prestigious private middle school here in town to make up for the year that he had spent in Maine. (What they were teaching him in the seventh grade were things he had learned in the fifth grade here in Montana.)
Ultimately, his social life and comfort in already being established in his school won out.
The point of all this is, even though we are 2,500 miles away, there is no reason to not have regular contact with the kiddo. We mainly use the phone, since he hasn't demonstrated responsibility with his tech devices that allow him to access the internet at all hours of the night. But we could if we wanted to, there's access to Skype, (it's free, you should check it out), email, and all those social networking sites. Although our son's accounts have been disabled on those for the time being, they could work for you too.
Our consistent contact? A phone call every Sunday evening.
Our son chose to stay in Maine with his birth mother this school year after he had been here this summer. During the summer months he had told his counselor that he wanted to move back to Montana, we had made the appropriate motions with the court and our lawyer, and $2,000 later, he changed his mind.
His father and I were deeply hurt, we had looked forward to having more time with him than a week at Christmas, Spring Break, and summers. He had been accepted at a prestigious private middle school here in town to make up for the year that he had spent in Maine. (What they were teaching him in the seventh grade were things he had learned in the fifth grade here in Montana.)
Ultimately, his social life and comfort in already being established in his school won out.
The point of all this is, even though we are 2,500 miles away, there is no reason to not have regular contact with the kiddo. We mainly use the phone, since he hasn't demonstrated responsibility with his tech devices that allow him to access the internet at all hours of the night. But we could if we wanted to, there's access to Skype, (it's free, you should check it out), email, and all those social networking sites. Although our son's accounts have been disabled on those for the time being, they could work for you too.
Our consistent contact? A phone call every Sunday evening.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Counselor: an Unbiased Third Party Approach
I found it a bit unusual that counseling sessions were so normal in my husband's family when I first met him. That may be because I came from a family where you weren't supposed to express your feelings because that made you weak.
I really do appreciate counseling appointments now.
The family is able to air out emotions or about events that have been troubling them and can find a solution with the unbiased third party in the room. The counselor often knows the right questions to ask and has seen these situations before, and can provide solutions from experience of knowing what has worked for other blended families.
This has been huge for us in negotiating chores and respect. (I also recently learned from a family that hasn't been blended that counseling really helped their relationships between father and mother and two teenage sons). So ladies, even those "normal" families ask for counseling help too.
The other area counseling has been a large part of is negotiating with the birth mother where the boy wants to reside during the school year. This has been a point of contention since she followed the latest flame to his home state 2,500 miles away. Now that our son has had experience with his counselor and trusts her, she can vouch for his desires that he may not want to speak to either us nor his mother and her partner about for fear of hurting our feelings. The counselor being in place also means that the boy may not have to speak with the judge himself since he finds the idea of being in court frightening.
All along the way, however, counseling has provided a safe place for him to voice his thoughts, concerns, and emotions about issues that would be difficult for him to bring up otherwise.
I really do appreciate counseling appointments now.
The family is able to air out emotions or about events that have been troubling them and can find a solution with the unbiased third party in the room. The counselor often knows the right questions to ask and has seen these situations before, and can provide solutions from experience of knowing what has worked for other blended families.
This has been huge for us in negotiating chores and respect. (I also recently learned from a family that hasn't been blended that counseling really helped their relationships between father and mother and two teenage sons). So ladies, even those "normal" families ask for counseling help too.
The other area counseling has been a large part of is negotiating with the birth mother where the boy wants to reside during the school year. This has been a point of contention since she followed the latest flame to his home state 2,500 miles away. Now that our son has had experience with his counselor and trusts her, she can vouch for his desires that he may not want to speak to either us nor his mother and her partner about for fear of hurting our feelings. The counselor being in place also means that the boy may not have to speak with the judge himself since he finds the idea of being in court frightening.
All along the way, however, counseling has provided a safe place for him to voice his thoughts, concerns, and emotions about issues that would be difficult for him to bring up otherwise.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Keep Something for Yourselves
We love the fact that the men we've married (or at least are involved with) are great daddies. We praise them, adore them for it, and admit it, it probably even makes your uterus tingle too.
But sometimes, there just needs to be some special couple time at a special event, place, or date. I'm not dogging the parenting instinct to show kids everything the parent knows or does--we all would like our children to become well rounded people and remember fun experiences with the folks.
But there is the relationship of the couple to be considered. And the couple in that relationship should be considerate of each other with their time and affection. It is far too easy to put the children first and forget the other half of the parenting team. It's okay to take a night off from the kids to go on a date, or to keep that one memorable place you spent with your significant other, a place just for you and your significant other. (Even if it might have a great pool that the kids would enjoy).
I was once pleasantly informed by my stepson that he would be traveling with his father and I on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. Really? Even though we haven't taken it yet, (maybe after our 3rd wedding anniversary) it will still be our honeymoon, party of two.
The point is, Stepmoms, (or Stepdads), you may love those kids with all your heart, but don't forget how you became a stepparent to them; and gently remind your significant others about your half of the parenting team needing some time alone. It's not selfish, and more often than not it does the couple good to spend some time just focusing on each other.
But sometimes, there just needs to be some special couple time at a special event, place, or date. I'm not dogging the parenting instinct to show kids everything the parent knows or does--we all would like our children to become well rounded people and remember fun experiences with the folks.
But there is the relationship of the couple to be considered. And the couple in that relationship should be considerate of each other with their time and affection. It is far too easy to put the children first and forget the other half of the parenting team. It's okay to take a night off from the kids to go on a date, or to keep that one memorable place you spent with your significant other, a place just for you and your significant other. (Even if it might have a great pool that the kids would enjoy).
I was once pleasantly informed by my stepson that he would be traveling with his father and I on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. Really? Even though we haven't taken it yet, (maybe after our 3rd wedding anniversary) it will still be our honeymoon, party of two.
The point is, Stepmoms, (or Stepdads), you may love those kids with all your heart, but don't forget how you became a stepparent to them; and gently remind your significant others about your half of the parenting team needing some time alone. It's not selfish, and more often than not it does the couple good to spend some time just focusing on each other.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Chores and Regressions
Most children have them, so why don't some stepkids? Some parents feel that because their child only spends part of the time at their house, that the children should have all the fun possible while they are there.
Not that I'm against fun.
But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).
Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.
Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.
My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).
All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!
I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).
My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.
I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.
Not that I'm against fun.
But chores teach children integral pieces of growing up by taking care of their own things and learning different skill sets. If they live at your house even part of the time, they can learn how to take care of it, and develop a respect for all the different things that they see the adults do around the house. The kids may even start to pick up after themselves, (not that I've experienced this with a 13 year old boy, and may never see it happen, but I am optimistic).
Chores should be fairly balanced however, as while the stepkids may be at your house only part of the time, they probably shouldn't be doing chores almost all the time. But it is perfectly acceptable to expect them to keep their rooms picked up, laundry put away, beds made in the morning, doing the dinner dishes, and a once a week chore, say, mowing the lawn.
Now mowing the lawn around our house has been a contentious issue. This is the first summer where my stepson has participated in the once a week mowings, and even then he only mows one side of the yard. (I started mowing full yards when I was 10-so I know this muscle bound boy is more than capable.) He comes in and complains that the yard is too big, that he's beat, etc. etc.
My biggest issue with this 13 year old boy is that he still wants to be babied. I'm all about nurturing him and cuddling him when he wants to be cuddled (which surprisingly happens quite frequently) but there are things that 13 year old boys normally do, such as: mowing the full lawn when asked and not whining too much about it, cutting their own steak when they order it at a restaurant (more on this in a minute), and not giving up on a physically demanding sports camp after one day. (See Persistence and Basketball Camp post).
All right, the regressions into "Daddy will you baby me" mode have thoroughly flustered and frustrated this stepmom this summer. One of which is when our son orders a steak at a restaurant, (or Dad cooks a steak at home for that matter), the boy won't cut his own meat, he bats those long eyelashes of his, looks at his Dad with those big blue "I'm your poor little boy" eyes and his Dad cuts his steak into little bite size pieces. Now you're probably sitting back and thinking that I'm a heartless bitch, and maybe I am sometimes, but the boy is 13!
I'm fairly certain this doesn't occur at his mother's house, but for some reason at our house, he regresses a little bit, (and not just on steak cutting either, it happens in other areas, but this is the example that sticks out most to me).
My husband and I had a long discussion on how our son shouldn't be babied any longer and treated more like a teenager. I approached the topic gently, since the boy is his son and I had a feeling that my husband babies his son because he feels guilty for not being there for all his childhood years. My husband acknowledged what I had suspected and agreed that his son is a little soft and that he would start to watch for and work on those aspects of their relationship.
I want their father-son relationship to stay intact and be as close as they are now, but I also desire that his son be able to function in the world on his own as an adult.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I Walk Away
I used to handle all the communication between the birth mother and my husband. He didn't want to talk to her, she didn't want to talk to him, and the mediator (me) received the brunt of the attack from both sides.
I don't mediate anymore, I don't talk to the birth mother on the phone unless she or I answer it, and any email communication between my husband and her gets the final okay from our lawyer. Granted, the lawyer is more expensive than I am-but not so expensive as the cost to my sanity.
I am tired of being asked what I think the birth mother is thinking, or what she might do, how will she respond to [fill in the blank]. And it isn't just my husband asking, it's his whole family. How in the hell I became such an expert on the woman I have no idea. We are two totally different people and haven't ever had a conversation with her outside of our son; and the culmination of it usually ended up with me being screamed at over the phone.
I am now entirely hands off, whenever I'm asked anything about the birth mother, I just shrug my shoulders. I no longer make the phone calls or write the emails. It truly isn't my concern. I love my stepson dearly, and I would rather him be with us, but it isn't my battle.
I am happy now that he is 13 and that much closer to being of the age where he can decide where he wants to live. Though I'm not sure if the birth mother will listen to his wishes since she deems most of what he wants as "whimsical".
I don't mediate anymore, I don't talk to the birth mother on the phone unless she or I answer it, and any email communication between my husband and her gets the final okay from our lawyer. Granted, the lawyer is more expensive than I am-but not so expensive as the cost to my sanity.
I am tired of being asked what I think the birth mother is thinking, or what she might do, how will she respond to [fill in the blank]. And it isn't just my husband asking, it's his whole family. How in the hell I became such an expert on the woman I have no idea. We are two totally different people and haven't ever had a conversation with her outside of our son; and the culmination of it usually ended up with me being screamed at over the phone.
I am now entirely hands off, whenever I'm asked anything about the birth mother, I just shrug my shoulders. I no longer make the phone calls or write the emails. It truly isn't my concern. I love my stepson dearly, and I would rather him be with us, but it isn't my battle.
I am happy now that he is 13 and that much closer to being of the age where he can decide where he wants to live. Though I'm not sure if the birth mother will listen to his wishes since she deems most of what he wants as "whimsical".
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