The husband and I have always discussed having one more, one of my own, two of his. I love my stepson dearly-but I also feel that I missed out on the first nine years of his life, some of the more formative and experiential ones. And the mother in me cried out, "Why can't I experience that?!"
After spending quite a bit of time with our 13 year old this summer I realized a few things. He was still my stepson-but he also wasn't that sweet little nine year old boy that I had met (he's still sweet-he just has his moments). I also began to wonder if I wanted another little one around after being in the (albeit few) melodramatic moments of a 13 year old's life.
Two months ago the husband and I found out that we were going to experience it all over again, with our little one arriving in May. There have been moments of excitement, and others of sheer shock and disbelief, and sometimes... fear. That's right, the four letter f-word. Bringing a child into the world is an exciting, and sometimes scary thing. (And if one more woman asks me if I'm excited I'm going to say No just to see the look on her face. Isn't that question answered always by the obligatory Yes?)
So, after the husband and I got used to the idea, we had to make the phone call to my stepson. The husband wanted to wait until we saw him at Thanksgiving, but since I started showing early-that wasn't necessarily an option. My stepson needed to know before seeing the belly.
It was never a question in our minds as to who should break the news to my stepson. Yet here are a few reasons why it should be by the biological parent and NOT the step parent.
1.) Hearing about a new sibling from the biological parent lets the child know that the parent still values what they think and feel.
2.) I would actually advise step parents to be out of the room for this one so as not to apply any added pressure to the child on having to act excited for a new sibling.
3.) Let's face it, the first thing to run through their minds is: "What happens to my room, my stuff, my time with the folks?"
4.) These reassurances SHOULD be made by the biological parent so that the child doesn't feel as though they are being replaced just because they are only around part of the time.
5.) When the child is ready and comfortable with the news, then and only then should they have contact with the step parent. The point here is to not force the issue.
6.) The step parent should then reassure the child that even with the new sibling on the way, the step child will still be an important aspect of their lives. There is the impression out there that your own kids are more important to you than your step children.
7.) Under no circumstances should any child feel less important than another in the household. This only creates familial trouble. (Does this mean they have to share? Yes.) Does this mean that you may need a good counselor? Yes.
(How did you get by without one before with the separation of the biological parents and combining of families?)
8.) Make sure the child has a third party to talk to at any point. My stepson knows his counselor's phone number and makes the call on his own when he needs to speak with her. (Did it take us a few tries to find the right counselor? Yes.)
So, how did my stepson take the news? His first response was a good-natured, "Aw, crap." But after it sunk in for awhile he started asking about when the baby was due and looked up the weekly comparison to a piece of fruit or vegetable, "the Bean is as big as a peach this week," and when we saw him at Thanksgiving--he couldn't stop rubbing the belly.
Sometimes 13 year old boys are just as sweet as when they were nine.
